Salut, le Monde.

Everyone's been so quiet around here lately. It's kind of freaking me out. Ou est tout le monde? Did the End of Days happen and I missed it?

What, no exciting drama to report? Come on, people, I'm dying of boredom over here!

Whoa, two weeks since my last entry? Seriously? How have you people even been coping without more Mark in your lives? That's incredible, you'll have to teach me your ways. I couldn't imagine being without Mark in my life every day. 

Anyway, some of you may be wondering what's changed since you last heard from me. Well, mes amis, I am here to tell you: I am still the same Mark you all remember and love. Same great hair, same wit and charm, same violent vomiting-and-suffocating reaction to de-queerifying medications. (Oh, but still queer, too.) But... there is one difference! One totally awesome, tres fantastique difference.  

What is this life-altering change, you ask? 

Well. Let's just say that if I had a facebook like all the other cool kids out there... there would definitately be a "Mark Devereux has changed his relationship status" notification in your news feed. 

Yup. La vie est bien.

It's been a good couple of weeks. Classes back in full swing, really helps to get my mind off things. The a cappella group is started up again, and it's pretty much going to rock this year, if I do say so myself. Oh, and my love life? Yeah. That too.

Anyone know if/when the musical is happening? I seriously have to get on a stage again.

[Private to JJ]
Feeling okay lately, man? I still get a little freaked out thinking about the whole thing... but for now I think I'm physically alright.

I'm so glad you and Scott worked things out. When I woke up that day in the hospital after his visit... dude, you have no idea how much better you looked. Like nothing bad had ever even happened.
[/]

[Private to Tony]
Huh... odd. I could have sworn I had something important to tell/ask you. Got distracted by a song and now I can't remember. Oh well.

In that case... hi :-)
[/]

First off, I just want to say thank you SO much to everyone who visited JJ and me in the hospital last week, and for the cards and gifts you sent. It was a tough time for everyone, not just the kids with the tubes up their noses, so it was just amazing to know you guys still took the time to think of us. Just... wow. Thanks.

Anyway, I don't mean to be all maudlin. (Haha wow, that's an SAT word right there. Ton, you're infecting me with your intelligence.) But, like I said, and like you all know. Tough times. I was feeling kind of anxious the other day, and what better cure than a nice Disney movie for anxiety. I went with the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Feeling homesick for France, maybe, I don't know.

Point is, the credits started rolling, and I was listening to this song and just... is it too queer of me to say I almost cried?

I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there.
I don't know if you will listen to a humble prayer.
They tell me I am just an outcast, I shouldn't speak to you...
Still I see your face, and wonder, were you once an outcast too?

God help the outcasts, hungry from birth.
Show them the mercy they don't find on Earth.
The lost and forgotten, they look to you still.
God help the outcasts, or nobody will.

I ask for nothing, I can get by.
But I know so many less lucky than I.
God help the outcasts, the poor and downtrod.
I thought we all were the children of God.

I don't know if there's a reason;
why some are blessed, some not.
Why the few you seem to favor --
they fear us, flee us, try not to see us.

God help the outcasts, the tattered, the torn.
Seeking an answer to why they were born.
Winds of misfortune have blown them about.
You made the outcasts, don't cast them out.

The poor and unlucky, the weak and the odd.
I thought we all were the children of God.



Hope you're all doing okay. We'll get through this. I know it.

For one of the first times in my life, I have absolutely no idea what to say or think. How did things get like this?

Merde. 

How's everyone doing?

[Private to Ton]
Are you alright? Everything about this is so fucked up. I was just... worried about you. Don't hold back, okay? If you need to talk? 
[/]

Guess what, everyone? 

We're back! Yes, you read correctly. After our epic foreign adventures and our time spent at home with your friends to the north (eh?) Tony and I have returned to American soil. I'm so ready for the new semester. Not that I'm a big fan of schoolwork, but it'll be nice to get back to a routine, vous savez? 

Anyway, come visit us! I've missed you all, and I have presents! 

Bonjour, tout le monde!

Just wanted to let you all know that Ton and I are back from France. We'll be back to the hallowed halls of Goldfinch Academy in a few days. Can't wait to see all you awesome falcons again! Hope nothing too earth shattering happened while I was gone. France was tres fantastique, though, and I'm sure I'll be telling you all tons about it once I see you. 

Je vous verrai bientôt!

[Private to Cal]
How are you, man? Last I talked to you, you were just out of the hospital. Don't think just because I was having a kick ass time with my croissants and crepes that I wasn't worrying about you!

[Private to Ton]
...Hey! I know I probably made it clear a thousand times and you're just going to blush and get irritated that I'm saying it again... but I'm really glad you came with me. It was... probably the best two weeks of my life. I lov

[Private to Self]

Dieu. Je suis comme une petite bécasse.

Je suis amoureux. Vraiment. Bel et bien.

Je veux lui dire... mais... je ne sais pas. Je ne sais pas si c'est une bonne idée. Je ne crois pas que il est prêt pour ca. C'est un chose être ensemble, et embrasser et autres... mais, amour? C'est un autre chose. 

Je ne sais pas. Tout je sais... c'est que quand nous sommes ensemble... je me sens si heureux. C'est... au poil. 

Putain, ça va chier des bulles. Tres tot.

OOC: Decided to stick in a translation. In cast anyone actually cares what it says. ;-)
--
God. I'm like a little girl/twit/ninny.

I'm in love. Really. Completely.

I want to tell him... but... I don't know. I don't know if it's a good idea. I don't think he's ready for that. It's one thing to be together, and to kiss and such... but, love? That's another thing.

I don't know. All I know... is that when we're together... I'm so happy. It's... perfect.

Fuck, the shit is going to hit the fan. Very soon.
--

If anyone here speaks fluent French and knows that half of this was grammatically incorrect... forgive me. I'm fresh out of my 4th year of French and I only got an A-. :-)

Hello everyone out there in cyberland. Just thought I'd drop in and give everyone a small update since I've been gushing nonstop about this trip for the past three weeks. We're here, it's awesome, and I totally plan on spamming everyone with photographic evidence of its awesome very soon. But first, just one pic to start off with. 

I like to call it "Tony is Tired on the Plane," or, its more official title, "Mark Obviously Has a Death Wish." 

So I told Maman. Her reaction? 

"Well... I was the one who decided to make you love musicals instead of football. Guess I should have seen it coming." 

And then she teared up a little, and laughed, and hugged me. "Je t'aime, mon ange. Toujours," she said. And even though I never really thought she would reject me for this, I felt the entire world lift off my shoulders.

But then she looked at me all seriously, and asked me if I wanted to move back in with my father. Permanently. She didn't have to elaborate for me to understand why she was suggesting that.

Nothing has really changed in Canada so far in terms of people like me. But it could. I'm sure no one in the U.S. expected it either. But France...I mean, the mayor of Paris is homosexual. It just seems like there's no way in hell they could pull the shit they're pulling in the States.

But I told her no. For now, I'm staying right where I am. If things seem like they're going to take a turn for the absolute worst and there's no other choice... then maybe, maybe I'd consider it. But right now, there's no way I'm letting the idiocy of one government scare me out of my home. I have too much to stay for.

Anyway, I don't want to think about all that right now. I should just focus on the trip, and how awesome that's gonna be. Sorry this post got way too serious, I really just wanted to update everyone on how amazing my mother is. I'm shutting up now.

So guys... here's the thing: life is beautiful. 

Shit happens. People complain. Sometimes, things are tough. Not denying any of that. 

But right now? Dieu, it just doesn't matter. I feel like nothing at all can bring me down from where I am. Damnit, I'm so cheesy. But I can't help it! I'm practically bouncing off the walls and I needed to let all you fine people know before I hurt myself or explode of giddy.  

Dix jours jusqu'à la France! I'm so excited. 

Life is really beautiful, guys. 

I miss you all and I can't wait to see you again in August. I hope your summers have all rocked so far, and I hope you feel like I do right now. It's a good feeling.

I'm psyched to visit Papa in a few weeks. I didn't get to go over Spring break this year, and I miss him. I miss France, too. It's my other home, et je l'aime. ;-) 

Already planning fun touristy souveniers for everyone!

[Private to Self]
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Oh, Christ. I'm getting emo about songs sung by puppets who also sing about internet porn. Would it be even the slightest bit believable to blame it on the heat? 
[/private]

So, midway through Summer. It's flying by, isn't it? It's been good so far. I've mostly spent time at home with Maman, and hung out with Tony. I thought about calling up some other friends from high school but... I don't know. After everything, it just feels weird. But hey, I am not letting that sort of thing drag down my Summer. Goldfinch was an awesome idea, just like I thought it would be. I feel... is it too corny to say I feel free? It's the best way to describe it. Hopefully it lasts.

The year is pretty much over. It's really strange to think about, considering I just got here and just started to settle into things.

But then, I guess it's my own fault for needing to make my big debut a month before the school year ended. I knew when I made this decision that I shouldn't let myself get too comfortable just yet.

Well, there's always next year. Everyone who's been awesome enough to befriend me already, I'll miss you tons and I hope you'll be back next semester. Everyone else, I'm afraid you'll just have to wait before I can grace you with my presence. And to the seniors off to face their glorious futures, bon voyage and bonne chance!

Oh. And Tony-- good luck getting rid of me this summer, man. Think I hunted you down here so you could go back to ignoring me once we return to lovely, joyous Canada? Think again! The night we get back, you are coming over and we are watching every horror movie I own. D'accord? Bien! Can't wait.

Have a fantastic summer, everyone! And remember-- wear sunscreen.

Tu sais mon amour
Tu sais les mots sous mes silences
Ceux qu'ils avouent, couvrent et découvrent
J'ai à t'offrir des croyances
Pour conjurer l'absence
J'ai l'avenir gravé dans ta main
J'ai l'avenir tracé comme tu l'écris
Tiens, rien ne nous emmènes plus loin
Qu'un geste qui revient...

--"Le Roi de Soleil" 

Good musical. Anyway, just food for thought.
Edited to include the music video for the song. Check it out if you have a few.

Ha. I don't mean to title all of my entries after Cole Porter songs. I really don't. It just worked for the second time in a row. 

Anyway, I don't know why, but I just feel... good. Ever have one of those times in your life where you just know your time is coming? That if you just wait a little longer, everything will turn out well? Right now, I am. And I have no idea why. 

I just know it. I feel it. I can't explain it, but I know that pieces of my life are about to fall into place. And however they fall in whatever order, I am so ready for it. 

Come on, life. Bring it on.

Just a perfect blendship! When other friendships have been forgot, ours will still be hot!

I sang that in 10th grade, when I played Moonface Martin in our school's production of Anything Goes. It was a blast, my favorite number in the show. 

After rehersals, I used to meet up with Tony as his swim practices ended and sing that song to him as obnoxiously as I could. I'd even try to pull him into some of the choreography, which of course pissed him off, but he'd always end up smiling. It was all in fun, but truth be told, I always meant every line when I sang it to him.

Cole Porter was a totally brilliant lyricist, I'd never deny that. But thinking of the song now just makes me want to punch someone in the gut. Sorry Mr. Porter, but with all due respect, you apparently didn't know jackshit about friendships. Or blendships, for that matter. 

Then again, you kissed other boys too, so maybe you ended up in a situation like this too at some point. But you didn't write a musical about how to fix it, so fat lot of good it does me.

"Fuck this. See you soon." 

That's all my text message said. I didn't really try to come up with anything else. I mean, really, what else could I say? It's a damn text message. Like I could really get out anything even close to the meaning I wanted by clicking a bunch of numbered buttons with my thumbs. 

Hell no. When I'm face to face with him, that's when we'll talk for real. I have a lot to say, and if I'm standing right there, looking straight at him, I feel like there's more of a chance that he'll listen. And maybe even answer, for once. 

Anyway, I'm here now, and I'm not going back. So whatever happens with Tony, I'll just have to grin and bear it. C'est la vie, right?